No pictures for this one.
I talked to Emily yesterday morning. The short and dirty version is that she isn't coming this time either. She is going to have the baby there. It all has to do with being able to get Pablo out of the country, which they can't do until he has a Venezuelan passport in addition to his American one. He has dual-citizenship and has to abide by BOTH country's rules and regulations. Realizing who is in command down there, you can have an idea of what kind of hoops they have to jump through to get out. It seems like they have to play musical chairs. They are told to do one thing or go someplace and that will solve their problem. They DO that and go back with what whatever paperwork they were told was required, only to be find out what they have isn't acceptable. Then they get another "scavenger hunt" list of documents or requirements, and off they go again. In the course of trying to fulfill the vacuous requirements, costs are involved. Large, ridiculous sums that has no realistic comparison to what they can earn down there. Each wild goose chase costs money, yet achieves nothing. How frustrating is THAT!
It just got to me yesterday. I can't even tell you my initial reaction when Em aid she wouldn't be coming. I was just kind of numb the rest of the day. Felt kind of disassociated. That night at work, while doing the lab tests, I just started crying and couldn't stop. I thought all kinds of weird things. Like, Roberto was brain-washing her and holding her hostage in the god-forsaken country. I felt like I was never going to see her again in my life. It was like when she disappeared in2000, all over again. I feel so out of touch. So powerless and out of control. I just wanted to get a passport, jump on a plane and go down there and DRAG her out of that place.
About then a little voice in my head said, "And who made YOU Redeemer of the world? What happened to relying on Heavenly Father? Why is it up to YOU how this works out?"
Today I read Chrissy's blog and I felt that way all over again. Another situation where someone I love is in danger. Their freedom and peace controlled by some nut. Their safety and even their very life in jeopardy because someone' ego needs more fuel. There is this wave of guilt that rushes over me. I SHOULD be able to protect them. I SHOULD be able to rescue them. I want to rush in and carry them out - of ANY danger. ALWAYS. But it's just not in my control - there are nuts out there.
The lesson we all learned from 9-11-2001 was that tomorrow isn't promised to ANY of us. Because someone has a grudge, or wants a little attention, or thinks they can make a statement with unknown strangers' lives - the short mortal time we have to share with our friends and family could be over in a heartbeat.
Being LDS gives me great blessings in this area. I'm grateful that I KNOW the Plan of Salvation is true. I'm GRATEFUL for my faith. I couldn't face daily life in these days without that knowledge. Though I know I will have my loved ones for eternity, it's making it through the remainder of my mortality WITHOUT them that I dread. I have separation issues, okay? Death is a pretty permanent separation.
I'm done, I think.
5 comments:
This is so frustrating! Is she really trying to leave? I can't believe how hard it's been for them. Why?! And I'm sorry to add to it with my post :(
It wasn't you, honey. It's the feeling of being out-of-control. There's a lot of that going through my life right now.
I have no control of how fast the disease advances in my Mom. I have no control over crazy people who think bomb scares are cool. I have no control over getting Emily out of Venezuela. And personally - I think it sucks!
I have to believe Em is TRYING to get out. I worry that Roberto is sabotaging her. There a WHOLE lot we DON'T know about the situation. We have live in a country where we have rights and freedoms and stability. Let's hope it stays that way. I just wish she were here - SAFE- too. I HATE the idea of what all she is going without, the conditions she lives in, the food she goes without, the clothes she can't get. I think about all those things.
Oh, sweetie! Sounds like you could use a great big (((((hug))))).
You're absolutely right -- there's so much about this crazy world we live in that we have no control over. You mentioned 9/11.. I'll have to find the letter I wrote to my son for his 6th birthday (which was only 19 days later); I talk about a lot of the same "lack of control" issues you talk about in your post.
And yes, there is so much we can't control. Which is why I think, as parents, we have to focus on what we CAN control -- teaching our kids values and morals, teaching them right from wrong, and knowing how much love we hold for them in our hearts always. That way, when we send them off into the "big bad world", we can pray that we've taught them enough for them to be able to take care of themselves, and to know, that if they EVER need us for anything, we'll always be right here.
From the sounds of this posting, Paula, I think you've done all that. You should be proud of what you've accomplished. I'm sure, in some way, you're daughter's proud to call you "mom", too.
You are SWEET! I am finding "empty nesting" isn't as easy as it looks. There ARE parts I like, but there are all these leftover "mothering issues" I haven't learned to deal with. Maybe that is what is ging on with your mom, too. I NEVER thought I would enjoy grandmothering as much as I do.
My oldest daughter is my only natural child with kids. She lives four hours away. That's probably a good thing until I get things sorted out. I know she would like to have me around to step in for an occasional babysitting situation and help with the kids at church. BUT, if I was, she might be making posting about me stepping on HER mother-toes (heeheehee).
Gotta find an outlet. Mothering my mom is what I do now. Heaven help me!! Thanks for the note!
I know that I'm probably going to be a LONG way off before I discover what "empty nesting" feels like. But, when that day comes, I'm pretty sure I'll be wandering aimlessly around my house, wondering what to do with myself! :)
I think feeling that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach is the sign of being a good mom, too. If you kicked them out and went on to live your own life, that wouldn't be saying much about you as a mom now, would it?
If you're feeling lonely, you can always come and "visit" me! :) I promise I'll try not to complain too much! ;)
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