We were saying how wonderful hindsight is. It's always 20/20! Looking back at a hard time, it's always easy to see the blessings and the good that came to you because of that particular experience. It's easy to feel grateful then. But what about DURING? How do you feel during the hard times? For me - I am not happy.
Now, I have an unusual way of looking at trials. I admit it.
I actually CAN express gratitude during the dark times because I know (if I listen and trust the Lord), it will ALWAYS turn out better than it was before the trial. I've been through enough of them - I DID learn that fact! I will never say "why me" again. I've whined enough in my younger years; I'm not doing that now! I express faith in His wisdom and love. AND I have been known to tell Him I don't see the purpose at this point, and I'm not enjoying the experience. But I always end with "Thy will be done." And I always end up on higher ground than when it all started. Sometimes I am a little skinned-up and emotionally bruised, but they were lessons I needed to learn - truly. I am always grateful on the other side.
My son has been studying a series of tapes about learning to become spiritually centered. He shared the idea that to be spiritually centered, one should be happy DURING the trial, as well as after. We had a good opportunity to examine that idea.
My husband and I had big car problems during our trip to visit my son. The van was in the shop five days and the repair bill was in four figures. It looked like, in the beginning, that I might not be able to make my visit with my son happen at all. My son asked if I was happy during all the stress of the situation.
I told him no. I told him that I had told the Lord that I trusted Him and that I knew there was a reason for this. I didn't have a clue what that might be. I told Him, "Thy will be done." What I learned was that I didn't really mean it. In my head, somewhere, I was thinking - "He knows how much I want to see my son. He knows how much this visit means to my son. He will make it possible for me to see him."
The first day that didn't happen. I believe that the Lord never closes one door without opening another one somewhere - and I was LOOKING for that other door!! But it wasn't there. We ran into road block after road block. No - I wasn't happy.
I went to bed in tears. I realized that I might NOT get to see Matt. I remember that I had said "They will be done" in the morning. I accepted and released. I felt peace. The next morning, the whole picture changed. We were able to get a rental (don't even ask my about why we couldn't get one the day before!!) and I got to visit.
Matt knew all this when he asked if I had been happy in the process. I realized the limit I had put on my accepting God's will. Matt shared that the tapes talk about this very thing. He said when a crisis arises - you should imagine the worse possible outcome.
For him, when I didn't show up on Saturday for our first visit; he knew that wasn't in my character. I would never just not show up. But he had no way of calling us, to make sure we were okay. He knew we were driving a long way and there is always the possibility of an accident. So - he imagined the worse possible outcome: there was an accident and we had been killed. Then he thought how that might be a blessing. He remembered that Tom and I had been sealed. He had been born under the covenant. We were an eternal family. Though he might miss me here on earth, he could have me forever. With that reassurance, his worst fears dealt with, anything that developed after that, he was ready to handle. So, I was late - but I was there. His spiritual self helped him through a scary time.
So on my side - the worse possible scenario was not getting to see Matt. I was not wiling to accept that possibility on Saturday. I SAID I accepted His will - but REALLY it was only as long as it matched MY will. I learned an important lesson. To accept His will means to be at peace with even the worse eventuality. To release and submit. I have never been good at that. Ask my husband! But I going to get better.
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